so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
If she has AMC, I may have to fuck her today. I want to catch up on the walking dead.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
