official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
Randomize
