anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Randomize
