You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
