I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
And then he peed in my hair
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