So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
We hooked up and he sent me home with a plant and skittles lmao
Randomize
