Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
You know it's last call at a gay bar when the guys at the urinal are just jacking off in front of each other. Most awkward pissing moment of my life.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
he tried to have the "are we in a relationship" chat last night. I stuck my fingers in my ears, yelled lalalalalala very loudly at him and told him I would stop having sex with him if he ever tried that conversation again. bad person, or just being a realist?
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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