So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Can vaginas get frostbite?
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
