So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
pretty sure the dicks i sucked were punishment enough
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
