Cold hands, warm shart.
I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
like literally i think i'm sweating out semen right now
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
