no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
How do I have sand in my vagina if we were an hour away from the beach?
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
