he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Randomize
