exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
NEVER shave your cleavage hair.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
Randomize
