im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I have too much respect and admiration for my dick to put it into a situation where he could possibly be killed
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Randomize
