Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
So my dealer asked me if I wanted to join his circle because we smoked so much this summer he thinks we're dealing
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Randomize
