So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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