There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
Well apparently I decided it was easier I piss in the trash can at waffle house than In the toilet. Would've been ok if the trash can was in the bathroom.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
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