I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
Doap. Just bring some lube and a slingshot. Not sure y we need the slingshot.
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
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