I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Your topless pictures make me question reality
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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