fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize