i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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