This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
My friends son got stung by a jellyfish over the weekend and we seriously stood there debating on whether or not we should pee on this toddler.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
What if he turns back to me, finds me seemingly fondling my breasts, and thinks I'm turned on by eagles?
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
