he was CRYING into my vagina
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
sorry like um she made me hold her puke bag while she peed in front of me is that better
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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