If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
Randomize
