Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
