How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Bren left me with a lovely parting gift. Newfouund alcoholism. I'm on the kitchen floor, hugging a bottle of vodka. It's my only friend now.
He always takes home straight guys. He plays One Night Stand on Ledgendary Mode
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I've started budgeting for next year. It looks like I'll be crying tears of dollar bills and handing them over to pay back my unholy college debt.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
