So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
I just cut my nipple shaving
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
