She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
