you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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