I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
