Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Should study in library more often, procrasturbating is less of an option.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Randomize