So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
ya, but you'll graduate college with a higher education. I'm looking at at least two addictions, an abortion, and a few weeks jail time.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
He saved that picture of my boobs for good luck romance still exists
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
