Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I just sucked dick on a ferry
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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