hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
