you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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