Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
Look, if this is a cop, just lemme know that Mike is ok. Fuckin all star game
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
Randomize
