when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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