It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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