I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
we made out on top of his cat.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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