totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
well whats the tarot card for I'm totes going to be schlobbing his cob? because that's in his future.
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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