Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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