o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Randomize
