i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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