I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Did you know that pizza hut has a wedding proposal box? And sorry for being kinda drunk yesterday when you got here
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
