She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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