i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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