And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
U sent me lyrics to wind beneath my wings
My liver misses your liver
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
