u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
You burnt your salmon and tried to mail it. Post marked to: Starving Kid in Africa
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Just sayin. I pissed on his couch, and ruined his stove. If he's not mad, we're partying there every weekend...
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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