I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out
We've been saying that since '98
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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