Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Dude, she DOES look like she'd give good head. No bottom jaw, I checked.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
And remember people can't hear you kick ass in space
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
