she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
and I think you ate the old crusty spaghetti on the counter when we came home last night judging by the carnage
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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