I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
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