1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Someone obviously heard us on their way to class. They stopped at my door and started singing afternoon delight.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I mean, I'm not looking for prince charming. I'm looking for the glass slipper of dicks.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.
It's simple. He fucks me at his place and I fuck him at my place. It's like man of the house gets to top.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
They left me at home... I'm a liability
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