Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
Girls gone wild is like the hills, except sexy and it doesnt suck
Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
There are Vine videos that have lasted longer than he did
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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