i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Randomize
