i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
your youtube search consisted of "food slideshow" and "the angry beavers"
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
The bouncer was just about to kick Sarah out for getting with this guy 'too physically'. I told him that was 'her style' and he let them stay. Banter.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
I want to be your penis for a week.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
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