I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
