you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
So he passed out in the bathroom of the bar, woke up thinking he was somewhere else and called her flipping his shit because he thought she left him. She had to go into the men's bathroom to find him, and then he told her she was "trying too hard to be his girlfriend" over and over again.
Dont they live together now? Havent they been together for like two years?
Yeah. That's the best part. I always thought he was kind of a pussy but turns out he's a degenerate just like us. Welcome
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
You would be so proud at how green we're being. Re-using last night's jello shot containers.. saving the world one step at a time
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize