Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You're a waste of cheezeits
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
