tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Randomize
