just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Meeting relatives from another state drenched in tequila and smelling of weed. I'm gonna kill you for soaking the only bra I brought in Jose Cuervo Gold.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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